Just like your underwear after food poisoning, the Hoppers are a team of hot streaks. When we’re on, we’re on. When we’re off, definitely try to avoid talking to Josh for a few days.
And on this particular Wednesday, we were on.
Your hometown heroes took the field to face off against Softballs Big Knockers, a middle-of-the-pack team with an eye-roll of a name that screams for a wedgie. Softballs Big Knockers look like they extracted eleven recent college graduates from a local Abercrombie store, not the statuesque models who make you feel bad because you have consumed bread products in the last 48 hours. Just average-looking shoppers who enjoy overpaying for shitty clothes because they have a vaguely beachy-meets-preppy appearance. Too lazy to be Pacific Sunwear, too faded to be Ralph Lauren. Just a bunch of mediocre dudes with expensive gloves and pretty but unathletic girls.
The Hoppers started off the game letting up four runs to the top of the Big Knockers’ order. But like a game of Simon, we played back that sequence in the bottom of the first inning, to tie the game at 4-4.
From then on, the Hoppers fielded damn near perfectly, including two unbelievably athletic scoops from secondbaseman Audrey “Raisin Bran” Idon’tknowherlastname. Kovacs was off gallivanting in Iceland, so we easily replaced him with a better looking, better performing pitcher who is equally Jewish and adept at the coin-toss. That’s right: Dave Duberstein pitched all seven innings, including a stretch of ten consecutive outs between the second and fifth.
The hit parade continued, with the Hoppers scoring another three runs through the fourth inning, leading the Big Knockers 8-5. But the Knockers weren’t done. They rallied back in the fifth inning to tie the game again.
But the Hoppers would not be denied. We lit up the sky like a thunderstorm, loud and torrential. Every Hopper who got on base and was subsequently pelted in by a homer or grand slam by Mike Muldoon (of Rock, Flag, and Eagle fame), Stu Koltov, or Around the Horn’s wholesome underage wonderboy, InternJeff. When the crew came in to survey the carnage, the Hoppers had scored seven runs to go up 15-8.
And though the Big Knockers attempted a rally, they were ultimately shut down by InternJeff, who chased down a fly ball in centerfield, collected his luggage, and still had time to make his connecting flight to home plate. There are few things more exciting than watching a young, virile Mets fan whip in a perfect throw against a careless, cocky baserunner.
The game ended as it should have, with a 18-9 Hoppers victory, before strolling off to The Bottom Line, where they tried to serve Alex the soup of the day and then forgot to bring his tater tots.
The Hoppers continue our summer success streak at 2-0. We’re off this week for Independence Day because America. That is not an error; it is a complete sentence. We pick up again next Wednesday to play randtastic, whose pitcher is a doughy, snot-nosed prick.