Hoppers Squeak Out a 9-8 Win, Koltov: “I Love Being Happy”

Wednesday, April 24

Washington, DC – Brian Weiss drilled a walk-off double, vaulting the Young Hoppers to an exciting 9-8 victory over The Scrubs. It was an important vindication for Weiss, whose fielding included the two most devastating drops since Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Too soon?

This win was David Lee Roth ugly.  Demonic smile, bleaching its hair, and wearing tight pants that show the outline of a creepy wiener you never wanted to see.  But look, a win is a win, no matter how ugly.


With the exception of a positively gross fifth inning, fielding was fine.  Not great.  I won’t waste your time with cheeky metaphors because there really was nothing spectacular.  They only put up eight runs in seven innings.  What more do you want from us?

But wait, we only put up nine.  What happened?  Great question, reader.  Our strongest hitters grounded to short or got thrown out at second.  Our medium hitters couldn’t clear the infield or beat the throw.  And our weakest hitters don’t exist because they’d get cut.  This is the three-time championship Young Hoppers.  You think this is just a game?

The sixth inning became dire.  We stranded two runners on base and went into the last inning down two runs, 8-6.  Here’s where most teams get frustrated, point fingers, and get down on themselves.  But not us.  We’re a plucky young bunch.  We held the Scrubs  scoreless and stepped to bat with guts you haven’t seen since you last played Operation.


We dug our spikes into the batters box and started grooving them.  One after another, the Hoppers got on base.  Down only one run, with no outs and thick eyebrows, Weiss stepped to bat and cranked a double, driving in two runs to win the game.

“We’re so happy!” said Stu Koltov, the Hoppers’ star centerfielder.  “I love being happy!”

And don’t we all?  With this win, the Hoppers improve to 4-2 on the season and prove that when the chips are down, we pick up the pretzels and keep snacking.  You like what I did there with that idiomatic metaphor?

The Hoppers face The Bottom Line tonight at 6pm in front of the White House Ellipse.  We may also face The Bottom Line, the grimy bar on I and 17th Street NW immediately following the game.


I'm an imp. I’m the youngest and smallest in a loud Irish family, which taught me that I will be interrupted unless I make my points (a) entertaining, (b) brief, or (c) outrageous. Being correct is immaterial. This is very good training for writing columns. I am not easily moved or offended, but I am easily amused. I enjoy writing for myself as much as I enjoy writing for an audience. I have several screenplays that sit on a hard drive, and I just like knowing they’re there. I also love soccer, basketball, running marathons, and milk. Professionally, I manage projects, staff, clients, and operations at a UX show that does websites and applications. Before that, I conducted opinion research at a public affairs firm. And before that, I got my Master of Public Policy at the University of Southern California and B.A. from the University of Maryland. I have lived in Washington, D.C. since 2007.

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Posted in Softball
3 comments on “Hoppers Squeak Out a 9-8 Win, Koltov: “I Love Being Happy”
  1. I did like that metaphor.
    Good luck against the Bottom Line.

  2. Brian says:


  3. JB says:

    You missed what actually happened. Brian was slow playing it. He was Mr. Glass, causing a bunch of accidents so he could weed out a hero. Just ended up that he was actually the hero himself. Talk about a twist ending. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, M Night.

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