Monday, April 1
Washington, DC – Now that’s a helluva title, don’t you think? I’ll accept high fives in person. No hugs, please.
Anyway, great news everybody! Your hometown Rock, Flag, and Eagle football club (1-0-1) pulled off our first win of the season on Monday night, defeating Home Rule in a lopsided 4-0 match.
Rock, Flag, and Eagle (named for this jingoist jam that Charlie improvised during the single greatest episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) is a team that has the same consistency as your junkie cousin. Some seasons we march steadily, taking it day-by-day and game-by-game until we reach the playoffs as the lowest seed, then inevitably lose in the finals… probably to the Green Team. Our friends and family are proud — it’s quite an accomplishment after all you’ve been through. We shrug in polite acknowledgement, but on the inside, a war rages.
Other seasons, we fall off the wagon almost immediately, kicking and screaming until we’re shamed off the field. A shadow of who we once were.
And which RFE team will show up this season? Usually, that depends on whether our esteemed hero Paul Turkevich is available to play with us. This spring, Pauly is sidelined. But I’ve got a feeling this season is going to be different. I’ve got a feeling we’re pooling together like drops of mercury to assemble T1000.
The club has something to prove, and Monday night we submitted Exhibit A for the jury’s careful consideration.
From the first whistle, RFE took command on the field, dominating possession like a priest performs an exorcism. And yet, at the end of the half, RFE piled on multiple shots on goal but just couldn’t put one in the net. The game remained tied at 0-0.
In the second half, things started clicking like we just learned to speak Zulu. After a gorgeous pass from Colin Christopher on the wing, Marissa McBride buried a ball in the lower pocket for the first goal of the night. Moments later, Mark deWolf (little de, big Wolf…also big loser) played a similar ball into the box, where Jeremy Gordon finished the play with a ground ball past the shortstop to put RFE up 2-0.
RFE’s defense held strong, relying on Josh Bard’s speed and my hideous face/general lack of personal hygiene to eliminate any chance for a fluke goal. Like that skinny white dude from accounting, Home Rule never even found their rhythm.
RFE continued to pile it on, even if by accident. On another offensive set, Marissa found herself in the right corner of the field, or as my high school coach used to call it “Idiot’s Angle,” a dead zone to rival Boost Mobile’s shoddy cellular coverage. And yet, on an attempted cross, the ball slipped into the side netting for her second goal of the night. It’s not that she didn’t mean to do it; it’s that she’s so good it doesn’t actually matter.
Like one of Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters, Home Rule could barely squeeze a toe into the ball.
RFE maintained possession throughout the game and continued the offensive attack, resulting in a Leigh Ann Mastrini goal, a little bloop past the keeper to cap off the game. Good night, moon.
With a 4-0 victory, the scalawags of Rock, Flag, and Eagle are ready to take on more challenging teams, including next week’s match up against the defending champs of The Firm.
– Alex Bard – Unlike his bathroom, Alex kept his sheets clean this week.
– Special thanks to the whiskey sideways fans, Lt. James Prussing and Dave Duberstein for enduring the cold and heckling Mike Muldoon.
– Did Not Play:
- David Geller – the only reason I know this guy is alive is because I attended his 30th Birthday party Saturday night.
- Kevin Gemp – Car trouble for the nicest dude on our team. Seems unfair, right? This world is a cruel place.
- Annette Isham – If Annette had played, surely we would have scored another 2-3 goals. Basically, any woman on our team other than me can/does actually contribute to our success on offense.