Wednesday March 27, 2013
Washington, DC – When Jeremy “Flash” Gordon defected from Wham! to join the champion Young Hoppers last year, it raised the stakes on a clash of the historic S-Leagues power players. But like the young guns we are, the Hoppers got out to an early lead and never looked back.
We could have mercy ruled them, headed to an early dinner, and marched right out of a frigid March that felt a lot like Last Christmas. Instead, we played WaCkY PoSiTiOnS. And what are WaCkY PoSiTiOnS, dear reader? Come along with me. I’ve got a story to tell you.
Once again, Kovacs won the coin toss, sending the Hoppers into the field as the home team against Wham!, a historic team of S-Leagues notoriety. After a couple of careless whispers, Wham! found themselves with a 1-0 lead before the Hoppers took their turn at the plate. The Young Hoppers were still shaking the cold out, with only two hits in five batters.
Fortunately, one was Bardo‘s rocket to a gap in right centerfield. Get out your red cups for this Solo shot.
The second and third innings? Now that’s the “Hoppers Softball” (registered trademark, patent pending) I remember. Kovacs did his annual tax-exempt philanthropy by walking a batter, before we rung up the rest of Wham!’s lineup. Impressive defense? Sure, if you’re into that. But wait till we show you what we have in the hardware department. Ping!
Are there enough plates? Why? Because EV-RY-BODY-GETS-A-SLICE! The middle of the lineup drove in three runs in the second, starting the momentum for an onslaught in the bottom of the third. The Hoppers had batted around-and-then-some, with eight straight hits and eleven total runs in the inning.
Wham! would have had more luck dating Mary Swanson than stopping the Young Hoppers.
By the bottom of the fourth inning, the Young Hoppers held a 19-1 lead, two runs shy of the mercy rule. If you’re like me, or that level-headed omniscient narrator in Mortal Kombat, you just want to put the goddamn pigeon out of its misery.
But maybe you’ve got a more aggressive investment portfolio than I do. Maybe you don’t mind letting it ride. Maybe you like a little thing we call WaCkY PoSiTiOnS. Maybe your fattest, slowest player –who once told you that girl was hot but it was actually (and very clearly) a dude, but his health insurance doesn’t cover vision so his nearsightedness goes uncorrected– wants to play left field, just to see what he’s made of. Maybe you think now’s as good a time as any to try pitching. Or maybe you have irrational confidence and think that you’ll be the first hall of fame lefty shortstop.
WaCkY PoSiTiOnS. A bold choice, not for the faint of heart.
After four batters, the Hoppers were on their heels and looking like a camp counselor at Camp Anawanna. Ug Lee.
Bases loaded, only one out. Wham! was staging a comeback in a rather unconventional way, by sending grounders and pop ups to WaCkY shortstop, RickE-6 Lewis. As you already know, Ricky is as sure a glove as you’ll see in left field, but maybe these easy ones were just too easy. Or maybe with two dropped pop-ups he should stay in left field.
Fortunately, a couple deep breaths and the Hoppers got out of the inning without too much damage, but with chances of administering the mercy rule severely diminished. In the sixth inning, we put on our swimmies and stayed in the low end, playing safe and predictably until the last Wham! batter. Like George Michael (and that other guy), he was out. Sorry for the cheap gay joke.
The Hoppers win, 21-6.
This week, the Hoppers take on our greatest rivals, reincarnated as United. Also, Stu Koltov will make his return.
For real, Jeremy? HOW?
– Brian Weiss not only went 4-4, but also scored every time at-bat.
– Andrew Kovacs struck at least one person out. I’ll leave it to him to correct me because I know he’s counting.
– Every player on the Young Hoppers scored at least once. I hope everyone wore protection.
– Justin, the umpire, was aghast by how poorly we played in our WaCkY PoSiTiOnS. He genuinely thought we were doing it on purpose. In the post-game press conference, he said, “I’ve never seen y’all play nothing like that.” Justin, who hates cold weather and just wanted to go home, thought it was a little rude.